miss tyler durden......'s Journal
(Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info)
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)
Friday, February 4, 2005
I T B D U B: hey
Showoffgrl99: hey i read your entry in your journal and i wanted to tell you that it was heartwrenching and it made me want to cry...you write well and convey emotion in everything
I T B D U B: wow thanks helen
I T B D U B: i can write about my uncle forever. and helen
I T B D U B: just wanted to let you know something...
Showoffgrl99: i felt weird on feb 1st and had no idea why...your entry made me remember and i thought about how our friendship has been through so much
I T B D U B: till the day i die, you will always remain more than a friend to me. for not only being there when i needed a friend, but especially being the only one of my friends to show up at my uncles wake. THE ONLY ONE HELEN
Showoffgrl99: i know how much that hurt you too knowing that no one showed up..i wanted to be there because i knew you needed me and i wanted to be there for you
I T B D U B: yeah, but i just think you should know how high i hold that in you
Showoffgrl99: thank you billy...youre gonna make me cry..you will always be more than a friend to me too..friends til the day we die
Showoffgrl99: on my life
I T B D U B: good. soul brothers till the end
Current mood:  contemplative
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
50 things about me:
1. i am 24 years old.
2. i love music. it is my life.
3. i am flat-footed.
4. i still live at home with my family.
5. i have a degree in speech communications...finally.
6. i cry every single time at the end of steel magnolias. haha...
7. ive always wanted to dye my hair platinum blonde.
8. i am computer illiterate.
9. i want to backpack through europe.
10. i believe in karma.
11. i believe that things happen for a reason.
12. i am sarcastic.
13. i miss my cousins.
14. my favorite holiday is christmas.
15. i want to have lots of kids.
16. i will be a great mom one day.
17. i believe that you can meet your soulmate when youre young. you just need to keep your eyes open.
18. i am cynical in nature.
19. my first concert was bush and veruca salt.
20. i do not go to shows as often as i used to anymore.
21. i wish i was a little kid again, to be that carefree again.
22. i want to learn more about photography.
23. i am funny and goofy.
24. i have never been arrested.
25. i have low self-esteem.
26. i wish that i did not mess up the many great opportunities at love in my life.
27. i have never had my own room.
28. my favorite person in the whole world is my mom. shes a fantastic lady.
29. when i was younger, my favorite shows were full house and saved by the bell.
30. now, i dont watch much tv.
31. i have worked at the same place for seven years.
32. i hate arrogant people.
33. i am so bad at directions, therefore i get losrt VERY easily.
34. i want to live in a foreign city for one year exactly.
35. i have my own fan club...right ryan?
36. i am afraid of heights.
37. my worst fear is dying alone.
38. i hate being in debt.
39. i have a big family and they make me the person that i am today.
40. i have problems speaking in front of large groups.
41. i believe that patience is a virtue that many people today do not possess.
42. i wish i was taller. (i am 5'3'')
43. i want to go on a road trip to san diego.
44. i miss the quietness of north carolina and how calm driving around on country roads made me feel.
45. i drive a vw jetta.
46. my favorite book of the moment is lovely bones by alice sebold.
47. i did not get my license until i was 18.
48. i have 2 dogs. they are the cutest ever.
49. i am growing my hair out.
50. this got boring fast.
Current mood:  amused
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
my boss is totally creeping me out. hes like 44 and married with a new baby. he hits on me all the time and it is so not cool. he was normal for a while when he first got to our store but suddenly, he was like weird. he started asking me to go check out an irish bar with him and no matter how much i tried to tell him i wasnt interested he continued to persue it. he is soooo creepy. i was telling ryan all about it today on break and he came to a realization. a couple months ago, my boss asked me if ryan and i were dating and when i told him no, he was like "oh ok" and got a weird look on his face. ryan realized that it was right after that incident that he started to ask me to go to the bar. im sure that in his head it was like ok to hit on me since my boyfriend was nowhere near. is that creepy or what? i am going to tell him that it is not cool what he is doing and then if it persists, im gonna go above him. i hate to be a bitch but he is creepy and i dont like it at all. i mean the man asked me to go to a late night movie with him. gross.....
Current mood:  irate
Monday, August 16, 2004
things that filled my last 2 months....
+hanging out with the various people that brighten up my world. who knew that i would be blessed with such wonderful people in my life? i have people to laugh with, people to talk to who wont judge me and people who know me for me and love me despite my faults. some people grow up and wonder what happened to their lives. i dont want to be that person.
which brings me to my next point
+a lot of deep thinking. i have been looking at my life and wondering what i need to change or not change to become the person that i want to be. i do not like where i am right now but i know that i can become a better person. i have done a lot wrong in my life but i would like to think that i have done more good than harm. i know i am not done thinking or facing things i have been avoiding. more on that later.
+warped tour chicago...it wasnt everything i thought it would be. i saw many bands that i wanted to see and missed some bands that i really wanted to see due to overcrowding and lack of interest in the end. i ran into billy while watching big d and the kids table. it was good seeing him as usual but he has changed. in small ways, he is not the billy i used to know and that saddens me. hes a good kid and i guess thats all that matters. i got to talk to dave from big d and he is just the coolest and down to earth guy. i love him for taking the time to talk to me and my crew. we must have been so intimidating, what with everyone crowding around him. haha good times.
+ going on vacation to north carolina. it was not as good as my trip during spring break but any time spent there is good times. i got to see my beloved family who i love more than life itself. it was so hard to leave them. i promised not to cry and even held strong until the very end. but the tears flowed when i had to say goodbye to sophia. she is like my third sister and i love her to death. i learned a lot this time around and i wouldnt change a thing about my trip.
- work. i spend way too much time at work. i know i need to work to survive and i think it is time to move on. i need to leave before it sucks me in for life. there are some people there that make being at work tolerable and i thank them for that.
+ shopping. effie and i decided that we have an addiction to shopping. the whole "hi im helen and im a shopaholic" speech haha. i do love to shop and i did a lot of it lately. im low on dough because of it, but hey im poor yet stylish. go me..
soundtrack of my last couple weeks..
ashlee simpson (dont lie... shes awesome. my sister and cousins met her at walmart and said shes totally nice)
random mix tapes that include letter kills (i totally love their new cd), matchbook romance, midtown, my chemical romance, taking back sunday..........
i think that is a sufficient update considering i havent updated in like 2 months.
Current mood: thoughtful
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
i wished for you on my birthday. i wondered where you were at this very moment, what you were doing and if you were thinking of me. if you were thinking of me, would you have called to wish me a happy birthday? perhaps but who knows for sure. i know we all get one wish on our birthday..i hope i did not waste mine on you..........
happy 24th birthday to me...i hope it brings many pleasant surprises. last year i wished for surprises on my birthday and my car broke down..lol.
oh yea vlo..happy bday to you too...thanks for being the normal one.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
grades are in:
20th century fiction B
shakespeare tragedies B
health communication B
modern rhetoric A
thats right. i passed my two english classes. and to think i was worrying about those classes. i am awesome...lol. well not really. perhaps im just lucky. i am finally graduating college on sunday. 6 long years but im finally done. now comes the big question..what am i gonna do the rest of my life? yea thats all i hear nowadays...hmm yeah.
hey they just said a title of a boys night out song in "the wedding singer". how fucking random is that shit...
as i have told a few people already, this summer is gonna be my summer. i am finally gonna do what i want and just say fuck you to anyone in my way. road trips...right ryan? where are we gonna go first?? lol i want to go to new york or california...but ill settle for mini road trips for now.
Current mood:  weird
Monday, May 10, 2004
2:51AM
thank you for calling me tonight and putting a smile on my face. i love hearing your voice...next time, dont fall asleep on me:)
( sorry for the distance )
Friday, May 7, 2004
the other day d and i went to the bottom lounge to see midtown. i had been looking forward to it for a long time so i was more than excited to go. after looking for parking for what seemed like forever (but was more like 30-40 min) we gave up and parked in a lot. when we got inside, we chilled until midtown came on. before them was armor for sleep, who i really enjoyed. the lead singer was a cutie too..mmhmm. anyways, finally it was time for midtown to go on and rock and rock they did. but i didnt know jesus was in midtown!! haha...oh heath..gabe was drunk and that meant that he was silly as shit and i was laughing the whole time. i had a smile on my face the whole time but that is normal for when you see one of your favorite bands, right?? when they played a new song, i was giggling and gabe was like "i know this girl is ready becuase of the smile on her face." i almost died for real. it was completely awesome. so as i continued to stare at him through the whole set, i noticed that he kept looking at me...woo yea it was awesome. tyler got all up in my face once too and i was like whoa back it up dude..haha i loved the whole set. gabes dance moves...heath looking all jesus-like and like jam (right d?)...the guy backstage drumming along to the music...it was just simply amazing.
songs they played-
become what you hate
get it together
give it up (new)
knew it all along
like a movie
just rock and roll
its not me, its you (new)
some other new song
frayed ends
a faulty foundation
find comfort in yourself
i think im forgetting some. oh well...they rocked and it didnt matter that the place wasnt packed because that just meant fewer people to share this expereince with. mmhmm...
im out..
Current mood:  awake
Saturday, April 24, 2004
1:19AM
im not dead...just busy. i will be updating this thing more soon.
gotta finish watching "detroit rock city"
later kids.......
Saturday, March 6, 2004
i just saw the video for "jude law and a sememster abroad" by brand new on fuse. i forgot how great that video was. but is it better than sic transit gloria or the quiet things that no one knows?
its official. im going to north carolina for spring break. just me and my sis d. its gonna be so much fun...2 weeks and on a plane. mmmhmm....i just feel like i need to get the hell out of illinois. ever get that way? like your life is just too much and you need a break from everything? i need to get away from my friends, work, school, home...everything is driving me crazy. its gonna be a long 2 weeks.. i can feel it.
for those that watch mtv (OR ARE ADDICTED LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW) do you like dave and carmen or nick and jessica better? ive been watching dave and carmen all morning and im undecided. i think they are both pretty dumb....actually.
my dad is going away to greece for a little over a month. march 16- april 21 to be exact. i am gonna miss him but its gonna be a good time while hes away. if you know what i mean and d i know you know what i mean. mmhmm...
Current mood:  bored
Sunday, February 1, 2004
shit i just wanna give him a hug and be like thanx for bein an asshole...
thats a classic quote from my lovely cousin sophia...who will be here in 18 days!!!!!!!!! oh man.. chi-town watch out because we are gonna tear shit up for real.....
Thursday, January 22, 2004
this is gonna be a sucky post but i just wanted to say im still alive. i just havent felt like updating.
im in my last semester of college. go me. if all goes as planned, i will be a college graduate by may. its about freaking time.
i miss a lot of people that i know i messed shit up with and i also miss the people that have just moved away. i think i need to start working on my resolution to reconnect with the people that i have lost touch with and make the connections i already have stronger. i have many great people in my life..maybe i should start telling them how truly great they are. there are others however that seem to not care and are just sucking the life out of me. perhaps its time to let go of those connections and be better off without them in my life.
ryan, sorry i didnt call you on tuesday to hang out. it was inconsiderate of me...next time, dinner my treat? think about it.
d, dont let people get you down because no matter whos talking shit about you, its only once you believe them that they have won. haha write that down.
to my stalker...tuna is not made from chicken... chicken of the sea is just an expression, not a reality...write that down
Current mood:  discontent
Sunday, December 28, 2003
**LAST PERSON WHO..
*Slept in your bed: me
*Made you cry: jon
*You shared a drink with:prolly one of my cousins
*You went to the movies with: the sixpack
*You went to the mall with:the sixpack
*Yelled at you: my dad this morning
*Sent you a comment on Livejournal: big d
*Said they were going to kill you: no one...i think
**HAVE YOU EVER..
*Said "I love you: and meant it?: yes...
*Gotten in a fight: oh all the time...screaming, biting, punching...im a walking time bomb
*Been to New York? nope
*Been to Florida? yes orlando many times
*Been to California? i wish
*Been to Hawaii? nope
*been to Mexico? nope
*been to China? no
*Been to Canada? who hasnt??
*Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened? yes
*hoped you were the opposite sex? haha no...boys are smelly...lol
*Had an imaginary friend? no but i have a hippo named harry
*Red or Blue? blue
*Spring or Fall? Spring
*Santa or Rudolph? santa
*Math or English? ENGLISH
*What are you going to do after you finish this survey? Sit here...and ponder life
*What was the last food you ate? ice cream
*High school or college? college
*Are you bored? totally
*How many buddies are on?7..all away messages
*Do you have a crush on someone? yes
*What book are you reading now? the fuck up by arthur nersersian
*Favorite board game? monopoly
*Favorite magazine? ap
*Worst feeling in the world? Being alone
*What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning? what day is it and do i really need to get up
*How many rings before you answer? 2
*Future daughter's name? madison or chloe
*Future son's name? tyler
*Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate
****about the opposite sex****
*honestly, what do you notice first?: eyes
*must-have personality trait: sense of humor
*hair-curly or straight?: both are great..depends on the person
*hair-long or short?:shaggy
***DESCRIBE YOUR
*Wallet : empty...lol i use a coin purse shaped like a mix tape
*Hairbrush: full of hair
*Toothbrush : white and purple
*Jewelry worn daily: earrings, and a bracelet
*Pillow cover: 2 red ones
*Blanket: one black and grey comforter and one white comforter with flowers...
*Coffee cup : as long as its holding starbucks coffee
*Sunglasses : nope
*Shoes : black and pink sauconies, or red chucks
*Favorite top :black midtown shirt with red bat...i wore it all summer
*Cologne/Perfume : lovespell
*CD in stereo right now : story of the year "page avenue"
*Tattoos : none
*Piercings: ears
*What you are wearing now : goonies shirt and pj pants
WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
*In my head : fall out boy "grand theft autumn"
*After this: hmmm...prolly story of the year
*Eating : nothing
*If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason: im not a malicious person so no one
*Person you wish you could see right now: sophia
*Is next to you: my shitty discman and some cds
*Some of your favorite movies : fight club, empire records, almost famous
*Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month: seeing big d, my dad going to greece for a month
*Do you like candles: sure
*Do you like hot wax : why
*Do you believe in forgiveness: yes i do forgive but i dont forget
*What do you want done with your body when you die: i dont care as long as no one forgets me
*What is the latest you've ever stayed up: umm 4am?? haha i know how lame
Current mood: depressed
Friday, December 26, 2003
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
go to my favorite bands show and not talk to j-man
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? no i didnt keep any of them but i am making new ones this year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope
5. What countries did you visit?
i didnt go anywhere
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
money, some independance, true love
7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
december 6- thats when my family moved away and i cried and cried
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
realizing that i am going to finally graduate college
9. What was your biggest failure?
where do i start?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing major...just kept injuring my ankle
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my jean jacket
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
umm..........
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
i have no idea...friday nights with the girls, music.............
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
warped tour
16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
hey ya- outkast
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter?
i dont know
iii. richer or poorer?
definitely poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
giving people a chance...i was mean a lot
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
secondguessing myself
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
dinner with family
22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
yes i did and it was a great 4 months.........no matter what it may have seemed at the time
23. How many one-night stands?
zero.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
queer eye for the straight guy
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
perhaps....i dont think its hate but something like it
26. What was the best book you read
the bell jar
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
straylight run.......i know its not a discovery but they were a great new band i got into
28. What did you want and get?
i wanted to find happiness, all i got was disappointment
30. What was your favorite film of this year? i dont see many movies...i watched old school a lot so thats my answer
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 23 and i dont remember what i did on my bday...sad huh? maybe i dont remember because its late......
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
jean skirt, flip flops, and a cute top....that was a friday night staple
34. What kept you sane?
dimitra and sophia
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
john nolan
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
....................
37. Who did you miss?
i missed mike but that doesnt matter now.......
38. Who was the best new person you met?
jonah......hes just a beautiful person............
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
theres always next year.........depressing i know
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
the whole song...."its for the best" by straylight run
it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best
so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."
we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come
Current mood:  cold
Friday, December 19, 2003
ok so i got my grades for the fall semester:
gender differences: A
American Lit: B
Women Writers:C
Biology: B
yea theyre not stellar but hey i thought i was gonna fail that women writers class but i got a C so im freaking ecstatic! that means it counts toward graduation, which is in may.
Sunday, December 7, 2003
1:38AM
sophia and vicki left tonight. they moved to north carolina for good. there was a lot of crying and questioning of why this is happening. for all that dont know, sophia and vicki are my cousins. they are like sisters to me. life is gonna suck without them. like what am i gonna do know? damn...im gone.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
i have to go to work soon so my update will be shorter than i wanted it to be. oh well...
wednesday d and i headed to the bottom lounge to see the format, murder by death, the new amsterdams, and straylight run. i had so much fun that night. the crowd was awesome except for these annoying fucks behind me that wouldnt shut up during the new amsterdams. they kept yelling for matt pryor to go home and shit like that. hey if you didnt like him except for what he does in the get up kids, just shut up so the rest of us can enjoy the show. fuckin a...i hate shit like that. anyways, i thought the format was awesome. i should have picked up their cd. they rocked out and it was a damn good time. murder by death was ok. i know a lot of people are so into them, the crowd sure was that night. perhaps ill give them another shot. oh well. the new amsterdams were freaking amazing. matt pryor was funny as hell and he has a beautiful voice. he gets bonus points for playing "cry me a river" and "hey ya". he played for over an hour because straylight run was running late (they had a meeting with victory records). it was ok with me because i needed to laugh (stress relief) and he took care of that. finally straylight run showed up and they fucking rocked. people were singing so loud and it was just orgasmic. i love that band so much. oh and for the record, the nolans won the genetic lottery because john and michelle are freaking gorgeous. mmhmm... after the show, i saw sophia and that was awesome. i wish she was right there with me and d rocking out but she got there late so she didnt see us.
thursday was just work and school. i found out that i failed the constitution test which i need to pass to graduate. you need to get 32 q's right and i got 30. i missed it by 2 fucking points. i felt like crying.
friday was freaking awesome. sophia, d, kathy and i drove to south haven michigan because sophia wanted to show us how beautiful it was. it may be the last time she gets to go there before she moves. its official. my cousins and aunt and uncle are moving to north carolina on december 8th. thats only 16 days away. i am gonna cry so hard when they leave me. i grew up with them. they are like brother and sisters to me instead of cousins. ok no more or im gonna cry. anyways, we walked on the beach in south haven and took pics by the lighthouse. it was an awesome experience. on the way home, we stopped by one of our favorite places and did some "stalking." haha that was a highlight of the night. hehe hey d...do you think the plan will work? i hope it does...hahahaha.
today my aunt and uncle ( the ones that are moving) are having this big dinner at their house and i have to work. i wish i was gonna be there. fucking dominicks and it being the week before thanksgiving.
the end.....
Sunday, November 16, 2003
this ones for you d:
**i just hope after they getting real big, jeremiah will still make time to talk to me.**
i was looking through some old friends entries and that popped out of your lj around my bday. funny how a summer could change so much.
one year ago in my journal:
talking to [jon] these past two nights has had an effect on me. i miss him and i dont want to. he was a jerk but i was a bitch so who was right? i dont know. it felt really good to talk to him, even if he didnt know it was me. i looked at the pic of him, looked into his brown eyes and thought about the past, the good times. it made me smile to remember when we first hung out, when it was all so innocent. to think how it all got ruined...sad. i am so happy now with ryan. this is all in the past. too bad the past haunts me.
some things never change...fucking a dude.
i got to hang out with ryan tonight. first time in a while and i had fun. we talked about a lot of stuff thats been on my mind lately and to see that from a year ago makes our talk that much more relevant. for once, i am not the messed one here. i know what i want and jon is trying to cloud my judgement. he has a gf now and for like 10 months now, so why is he trying to hook up with me? does that sound sane? he wanted to hang out so i told him id come over for like 2 hours and we can get coffee and talk (because we need to really bad) and he was like 2 hours isnt enough time to hang out. he doesnt want to spend 2 hours talking and drinking coffee. then what do you want from me jon? im not the same girl from last year.im not gonna sit here and pine for you and wonder what youre doing when im not there. i have matured since then thanks to a very smart and special person that i had the pleasure of dating for a few months. how can i find closure if you wont let go of the past? it was good while it lasted but it ended for a reason. i wish he was online now because then i could tell him what i came to realize about the whole situation. im so over this drama. the end.
Current mood: cold
Saturday, November 8, 2003
its snowing in chicago!!! i dont know if i should be happy or sad. i dont think it will stick though. its like rain and snow together. what fucked up weather!!
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
i sit here and wonder where life is taking me, where my journey will take me next. i need to be around people that are positive and motivate me to be a better person. there has been a lot of negativity lately and i hate it. people telling me what to do, who to be. fuck that. i need to take my life into my own hands and show the naysayers that theyre wrong. i will make good on what i say and pursue what i want. there have been too many times in the past where i have not done what i wanted, let other people's opinions influence my decisions. that will change.
to all the people in my past that think they know me, you dont know anything. you think you have me all figured out, but there are many layers to me. people have this perception of me through my actions in the past, a perception that is so off that it infuriates me. i am not that person anymore nor will i ever be again. it tears me up inside to see that the people that i was so close see me a certain way, no matter what we have been through. i am not cheap but no one will ever be able to afford me. i am worth more than all this baggage.
i am done now with all the heaviness. more thoughts later...
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
